By Dr. Jenn Berman, from SuperBaby: 12 Ways to Give Your Child a Head Start in the First 3 Years
The key for parents is to give thoughtful praise, which reflects an awareness of their children's efforts and process. Here are 10 rules for effective praise:
1. Be very specific. Generalized praise (“Good job!” “Great work!” “Smart thinking!”) or praise that is devoid of specific details is useless. In fact, it is actually detrimental because it leaves children hungry for the next parent-approved praise goodie. Instead of creating their own internal motivation, kids focus on getting the next “fix.” Children who get a lot of generalized praise grow to rely on it. The litmus test for specific praise is to ask yourself if the words you’re using could only be said to this person at this time. You can say “Good job!” to your garbage collector, your husband, the person bagging your groceries, or even your dog. To say “You were so patient on the potty! You waited until all the pee came out!” is specific and meaningful to your child.
2. Make it about the process or the effort, not the outcome, accomplishment, character, or personality. Use words that describe instead of evaluate. “You made your hand so steady that you were able to pile the blocks really high!”
3. Be genuine and believable. Don’t praise for the sake of praise. Kids need to know that they can trust you and that you are giving them an honest appraisal of their actions. When your toddler can barely take two steps without falling, telling her that she is a “great walker” is not sincere – but telling her you see how hard she is working to stay on her feet is.
4. Thank instead of praise. Recognize when your child has done something that has been truly difficult, given her level of development. “Thank you for being patient while I made lunch. I know you were really hungry and it must have been hard to wait so long.”
5. Encourage instead of praise. Praise is conditional, but encouragement is unconditional. When your child is first learning to crawl, saying, “That’s it! You can do it! Just move your hand forward a little…you got it!” is encouraging.
6. Try a “you” statement. This type of statement verbalizes what you have observed. “You handed me the book, just like I asked!”
7. Try an “I” statement, which lets your child know how her behavior makes you feel. “I felt like you really appreciated my cooking when you said you thought breakfast was ‘yummy.’”
8. Let her know how her actions affect others. “When your sister was crying and you brought her a teddy bear, that really helped her feel better.”
9. Try a nonverbal acknowledgment. Sometimes just a smile or a nod can let your child know that you saw what she did.
10. Overheard praise is the one exception to the “don’t talk about your child as if she were not in the room” rule. Overhearing praise from an adult can be particularly powerful. “Bobby knows where every one of his toys belongs and during clean-up time he is able to put them all away by himself!”
Children need their parents to mirror positive, yet accurate reflections of who they are. We owe it to our kids not to pay lip service to them by giving false compliments. Often parents resort to saying things they don’t believe to be true because they don’t want their child to feel bad, but an important part of developing a sense of self is developing the ability to realistically evaluate situations as well as your self – skills that are best modeled by parents.
Excerpted with permission from SuperBaby: 12 Ways to Give Your Child a Head Start in the First 3 Years by Dr. Jenn Berman (Sterling, 2010).
Top image: Simona Balint, stock.xchng
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