I’ve been in a relationship for over three years and am extremely happy. However, I still find myself thinking of (and crushing on) other men, sometimes even ex-boyfriends or flames. Is this normal?
Leah K. emailed us at expert@sweetspot.ca, and relationship expert Josey Vogels answered;
Of course it's normal to think about and have crushes on other men, even when you're in a happy relationship. When you're in the first flush of something new, your paramour usually provides all the necessary distraction. But after awhile, we all crave the occasional crush - some proof we've still got it.
However, when you're in a perfectly happy relationship, a sudden crush can catch you off guard, like a dear friend who recently found herself with a mad crush on a guy she met through her job. She was even having wild sex dreams about him, which really messed her up. She started thinking all kinds of crazy things; maybe she was with the wrong person; maybe she was meant to be with this guy or someone else; maybe there were problems in her marriage she wasn't seeing. Then, one day, it passed. Her crush just wasn't there anymore.
It then occurred to her that she was anxious about problems at work and was on week three of a no-sugar diet. Blame it on low blood sugar, but she needed a distraction and a crush was the perfect thing.
Why focus on your life when you can focus on a boy? A boy is much more fun.
Luckily, she didn't say anything to her beau. As far as I'm concerned, unless you plan to act on your crush, best not to tell. More often than not, they pass. Why cause unnecessary distress?
Although sometimes that's just what you want a crush to do. While it might be tempting to confess a crush to get a rise out of a partner whom you feel is taking you for granted, it's unfair.
Enjoy your crushes for what they likely are, simple distractions that add a little excitement to your life. As long as you keep things innocent, nobody will get crushed.
Josey Vogels pens three nationally syndicated sex and relationship columns, is host to Between You and Me on CBC Radio One, and has written five books. Her fourth book, The Secret Language of Girls, has been published in many languages and has been made into a documentary. You can find more information at www.joseyvogels.com.
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