I was at a birthday party recently for one of Jack's friends. I was stuck talking to this mom whose name I've changed for the mere fact that she scares me and I don't want her to know that I'm ripping on her. "Hurricane Bertha" is a total stress case. I call her that because her life always seems to be in utter chaos.
Every time Hurricane Bertha enters a room, there's tension. From the minute she stepped foot into the party she was miserable. Why? (Which for the record, I didn't ask.) "Because my nanny is leaving and I don't have time to find a new one because I'm sooooooo busy with work and my boss just keeps piling on the projects and my kids never listen to me because they are so disobedient and..."
This is when I went into survival mode and my mind took me to my happy place of bunnies hopping in a field. When I tuned back in, I think she was bitching about the drop in the barometric pressure. Although I can't be sure. I actually saw her tearing her toddler a new one because he didn't slide down the inflatable slide properly. Which I hear is a new prerequisite for getting into an Ivy League school.
Is this kind of behaviour really helping our kids? We SANE moms must band together and win this war on terror. But in order to do that, it's important to understand the different types of moms we're faced with on a daily basis.
The Realist Mom: This mom is kind but honest when she needs to be. She's not afraid to tell it like it is and doesn't hesitate to add a healthy dose of reality. She's the mom you want to bounce ideas off of and ask her opinion. She'll be the first to support your decision to drug your baby with Tempra before flying.
The Know It All Mom: She's read every baby and parenting book on the market and loves a debate. She walks around like her breast milk never sours. If you're feeling even slightly insecure, stay away. She can sense a novice almost as keenly as Bernie Madoff.
The Chicken Little Mom: This mom is a drama queen. Her life is more disastrous than the last season of Celebrity Apprentice. If you ever plan to smile again, keep your distance.
The Bitchy Mom: You need serious VIP status to hang out with this kind of mom. If you let her, she'll make you feel smaller than Webster standing next to Shaquille O'Neal. But don't feel so bad. As long as you understand that she acts this way because she's insecure. The best way to stand up to Bitchy mom? Call her fat and run like hell.
The Scandal-Loving Mom: This mom knows everything about everyone. If you're having trouble getting pregnant, ask this mom for help. She's probably more in tune with your ovulation schedule than you are. She loves a juicy story and an audience to tell it to. Even though her gossiping can get a little tiresome, don't cut her off completely. She'll most likely have some good dish about Bitchy mom that you can use as leverage.
The Financially-Free Mom: You're probably not worthy enough to hang around this mom but you'll admire her from afar. She's the mom who always looks put together. From her Barbie doll body right down to the tips of her French manicured nails. It's hard not to feel inferior to this mom when you catch your mangled appearance in the reflection of her perfectly straightened, shiny hair. Chin up. It's safe to assume that her perky C-cups were a peace offering from her cheating husband.
The "Committee" Mom: This mom loves a good cause as much as Bob Geldof. She is extremely active in her kids' school, volunteers for a living and loves everything about being a mom. Become friends with her. At the very least, she'll bake your kid's birthday cake for you.
The Paranoid Mom: This mom is consumed with everything "safety." She'll debate the pros and cons of vaccinations until she's blue in the face. Which, by the way, she'll have an in depth explanation for why this happens with the research to back it up. This mom bathes her kids in Purell and would keep them in a bubble if she could find one in the size of 0-18 years old.
The Organic Mom: This mom divides her time between hugging her hemp-clad baby and hugging trees. You can smell her a mile away because she's the one wearing deodorant that doesn't contain aluminum (a.k.a. doesn't work). She's calm, cool and very easy to be around. She's not only earth-friendly, she's mom-friendly too.
The Medicated Mom: This mom usually has at least 4 kids under the age of 6. You'll recognize her instantly because she's the one tripping over her uterus and wetting her pants every time she sneezes. She's no longer phased by things. Her 3rd kid could have broken his arm in three places and she'll reach for a band aid. If that. If you ever have the desire to have more than one kid, hang out with this mom.
The Newbie Mom: This mom is innocent, fragile and eager to master this thing called motherhood. She's naive because she thinks that her two-week-old baby is a good sleeper. Let her. Be gentle with her and don't tell her things that she might not be ready to hear. Like soon, her sleeping beauty is going to puke on her favourite sweater. She needs support more than she needs the truth right now.
Whatever kind of mom you are, know that we're all in this together. As Oprah keeps reminding us, being a mom is the hardest job in the world. Amen, my billionaire non-mom. Amen.
What kind of mom are you?
After becoming a mom almost three years ago, Carly Cooper noticed many mothers struggling with guilty feelings, unrealistic expectations and the inability to balance it all. This inspired her to become a certified Life Coach for Moms and create www.balance-the-mother-load.com. Check back weekly to read her funny and honest views about the good, the bad and the hormonal sides of motherhood.
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