Carly Cooper

About Carly Cooper

A certified Life Coach for Moms and creator of www.balance-the-mother-load.com, Carly Cooper’s blog offers helpful strategies for mothers struggling with guilt, unrealistic expectations and the inability to balance it all – with a generous dose of laughter.

And Then There Were Three

balance the mother load canada (Dec.16.09)

I feel like I've been living in my own Groundhog Day. It was around this time last year that I had my miscarriage. And give or take a week, I just had another one. Both babies would have been due around the end of June or the first week of July. Just about the time my husband heads off to cottage country to spend the summer as a Camp Director.

You'd think we would have learned our lesson last year and would've taken a three-month hiatus in the Fall so we wouldn't have another summer baby. But because I have Endometriosis and conception -- much like hip-hop dance moves -- does not come easily to me, we decided to try to procreate first and worry about Marc making it home for the birth later.

In September, I decided to have another Laparoscopic surgery to remove any scar tissue that may be causing my infertility. Sure enough, it worked and I got pregnant right away.

I was excited but cautious. I was closely monitored and for the first two weeks, I had blood taken every other day to make sure my levels were increasing. Everything looked good. Then the weekly ultrasounds began. According to when my last period was, I thought I was around seven weeks pregnant.

But when I had my first ultrasound, they could only see the sac but no baby. My heart sunk. The doctor reassured me and told me my timing could be off and therefore it was too early to see anything. She wasn't concerned and told me to come back in a week. Given my history with math and numbers I decided to trust my doctor's calculations instead of mine. One time, I innocently tipped a taxi driver 30 cents instead of $3 and wondered why I had to unload my own luggage from his trunk.

Needless to say, that week of waiting was torture. My boobs felt like they were filled with lead, I was so hungry I was convinced I had a tapeworm and felt more nauseous than when I watched The Blair Witch Project. And yet I couldn't convince myself that all was fine and a baby was growing inside me.

After a few more ultrasounds, I went from the high of seeing a baby with a heartbeat, to being told a week later that things weren't progressing the way they should. This pregnancy would inevitably end in another miscarriage.

As I drove home from the doctor's that day, my mind was racing. But I wasn't thinking about losing this baby. I felt like I mourned the loss of this pregnancy the week they didn't see anything in the sac. I was unsure about what I was feeling and I needed some clarity.

These past six years, the baby making process has been all consuming. And it's proven to be more difficult than listening to Rosanne Barr's 1990 rendition of The National Anthem. My plan was to have two kids two or three years apart and then close the shop for good. Well, we all know how well that turned out. I know I'm still young enough to keep trying. But as I continue to sort through my feelings, I'm just not sure I want to.

I started to think about the pros and cons of having another baby. And it wasn't until I got totally honest with myself that I realized, the only pro that I could think of right now was that I would be giving my son a sibling. Frankly, the thought of only having one child never crossed my mind. I used to think it was unfair of parents to only have one. I assumed that the kids would be lonely, have major attachment issues or would be so socially mistreated, that they would end up the subject of the next Michael Moore documentary. But after speaking to many very normal, well adjusted "only children" and hearing how wonderful their childhood and lives have been, I starting to think very differently.

I heard amazing stories of how close they felt to their parents. The tremendous love and support they were given because they didn't have to fight for anyone's attention. And the incredible bonds they formed with friends and relatives.

Let's face it. All families have some sort of dysfunction. And what I know from experience and speaking to many people through my coaching is that not all families get along. Just because you're blood relatives does not guarantee loving feelings. I'm not suggesting that having more than one child is a recipe for disaster. Some people love the idea of a big family and want nothing else in life. And I say, good on ya! But it's not necessarily the be all and end all for everyone. And for those who choose to only have one child or none at all, that's ok too.

While I'm not booking a procedure and buying a bag of frozen peas for my husband to sit on just yet, I'm pretty sure that the decision to have one child is where we're heading. And instead of feeling sad about this, I feel quite liberated. I want to take this time and really focus on the incredible family that I already have. A funny, caring and supportive husband. A beautiful, healthy, hysterical son and a sweet, affectionate, loving dog (who is a walking example of unconditional love). If you ask me, that's a pretty perfect family dynamic. So for now, instead of counting peak fertility days in my cycle, I'm just going to count my blessings.