About Carly Cooper
A certified Life Coach for Moms and creator of www.balance-the-mother-load.com, Carly Cooper’s blog offers helpful strategies for mothers struggling with guilt, unrealistic expectations and the inability to balance it all – with a generous dose of laughter.
Help is Not a Dirty Word
balance the mother load canada
(Dec.23.09)
They say, "It takes a village to raise a child." They also say, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." Luckily for our children, we don't take the second saying too seriously. Otherwise our kids would look like the lost, skeletal dogs roaming the streets of third world countries.
Raising kids is hard work. It's not always the bonding, beautiful experience we expected it to be. Heck, I didn't expect that once I stopped breastfeeding, my boobs would touch my stomach and I'd therefore think that underwire was a better invention than the light bulb! Motherhood changes you for the good and the bad. And one common way that many moms negatively change is they can't bring themselves to ask for help, because they feel like failures for doing so.
I watched an Oprah show a while back when she went to visit the Yearning for Zion Ranch, a polygamist community in Eldorado, Texas. When the show began, like most viewers, I watched in awe judging these people and their chosen lifestyle. In this community, the average girl gets married at 18, squeezes out around 9 kids and shares her man with a few other wives. Are they brainwashed? Perhaps. But they appear to be a functioning, happy society.
Now before you write me hate mail, hear me out. While I don't believe in polygamy, banning kids from playing so they can work all day, or wearing my hair in a teased up do that is hiked up to the heavens, I do believe in asking for help. So yes, these families have 21 kids among them and live with two other women who share their husband. But look at the plus side of that. There's always someone around to cover for you. If you're "too tired" one night and just can't muster up the energy to go for child #22, tag team!
If swimming in a prairie dress isn't the way you want to roll, find the system that works for you. I have a nanny who is like my second wife. She helps me keep the house in order and takes care of my son when I'm working. (And just in case you're wondering, we do have healthy boundaries and separate beds). Having this kind of help has allowed me to build a career that I love and take some time for me when I feel I need it. Because of this help, I'm a better mother and wife whose husband doesn't feel the need to look any further.
Whether you have a nanny, send your kids to daycare or have a babysitter a few hours a week, having a little help is a must. Still feel guilty? Think of it this way. If you were the CEO of a company, would you do the accounting, the marketing and handle all the other departments by yourself? Would you feel guilty for hiring qualified people to fill these positions? Unless you like the feeling of an ulcer, my guess is no. So why do moms feel like they have to be the only people in charge of their families and households? If I relied on myself to teach my son everything, he'd think Saskatchewan was part of the former Yugoslavia and he'd start convulsing every time he was faced with a math problem.
Giving our kids exposure to other people and different experiences allows them to grow and learn new things. It also gives you time to nurture yourself, unwind and do things just for you. So it's time to dismantle your feelings of guilt around getting help, and start building your village.
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