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This is the last Drop-In Centre guest posts by Leanne Shirtliffe of www.ironicmom.com. Come back next Wednesday for more hilarious stories from our next guest blogger.
Today is National I-Am-in-Control Day, or as parents the world over should refer to it, Delusional Day. It was early on in my parenting hobby that I realized the inmates were running the asylum. Control? The only control I know is found in my Spanx.
My six-year-olds are quick to speak out (or act out) about any injustice they feel has befallen them. William tries to regain control by “Saving Face.” The other morning, when we wouldn’t let him watch a third hour of Saturday morning cartoons, he flipped out and started kangaroo jumping in protest.
“Get dressed,” I insisted, and went downstairs to make waffles, one of those homemade meals that momentarily convinces me I’m a half-decent mother.
“No!” he shouted.
I pretended I hadn’t heard him, walked into the kitchen, pulled out the waffle iron, and dusted it.
“William,” my husband said, “get dressed now or no more screens this weekend.” This is one of the threats we’ve actually carried out.
Time passed. By now, I was busy picking eggshells out of the waffle batter.
“Get down here,” my husband yelled. I heard defiant stomping from the floor above.
The waffle iron beeped, and I started ladling in the goop. I heard footsteps.
In came William, dressed, with his pants on his head, and his shirt on his legs. He does this at least once a week. It’s his peculiar way of saving face after he’s lost control. Or after we’ve lost control. Or both.
We ate the waffles, and Vivian, who hadn’t yet had her turn to act out, brought me her home reading. When she finished the book, I said, “Now write about it in your journal,” I said.
“No,” she answered, “I don’t want to”
“Do it anyway,” my husband said from the kitchen. “We don’t want to do dishes, but we still have to.” He dropped the syrupy cutlery into the dishwater for extra effect.
“Fine,” Vivian said.
I helped my husband hose down the kitchen, then Vivian marched over to us, journal in hand. She opened it and showed us what she had written: “There wasn’t much to write about in this story but my mom and dad made me write in this book.”
And there you have it, another inmate running the asylum.
To all parents, I wish you Happy I-Am-in-Control Day. May the delusion long continue.
Leanne Shirtliffe is the mother of six-year-old twins, William and Vivian, also known as Thing One and Thing Two. Leanne lives by the motto, "If you can't laugh at yourself, laugh at your kids." When she's not telling her children to stop licking a frozen flagpole, she's writing and teaching teens. She blogs at IronicMom.com. Follow her on Twitter @ironic_mom.