Breaking Up
ask an expert: nanny relationshipscanada
(Aug.24.10)
My kids are getting to the age where they don’t need a nanny anymore. I’m worried about how emotionally attached they have become to her, and how they’ll deal with her leaving. What can I do to make it easier on them?
Julia K. emailed us at expert@sweetspot.ca, and child psychologist Dr. Jessica Cooperman answered:
Nannies play an important role in helping busy families function. When the working relationship is good, the value nannies add is immeasurable. The relationship between nannies and their charges can be very strong. This relationship however is transient by nature and eventually must come to an end.
If the break-up is amicable:
The best case scenario is parting ways as a result of kids growing up and no longer needing a nanny. In this situation, particularly if your nanny has been with your family for a significant period of time and the ties between your children and nanny are strong, it is wonderful to be able to continue the relationship in a different form. For example, it may be possible to have your children communicate occasionally with their former nanny either by phone or email, through periodic visits, or by babysitting experiences. Although not always possible, it can be helpful to gradually phase the nanny out of her position. In this way, kids confront smaller amounts of change at one time rather than an abrupt ending.
If the break-up is not so amicable:
When the fit between the nanny and the family is not right, the strain on everyone involved can be considerable. Inevitably, a change must be made. Before letting a nanny go, parents should decide how they are going to explain the situation to their children. In the case of young children, less is more. It is important to make it clear that the nanny’s departure is not their fault. Further, children do not need to hear about the nanny’s short-comings, particularly because they might not have experienced them in the same way you have. It is reasonable to focus on the nanny moving onto a different work situation and that parents will find another wonderful person to help out.
If possible, it is best to have the conversation when children aren't around. People’s reactions to job loss aren't always predictable and almost always negative. The cost of the children missing out on saying goodbye in person may be offset by the benefit of avoiding a dramatic scene where regrettable comments might be made from both sides.
Dr. Jessica Cooperman is a clinical psychologist working in private practice in Toronto as well as at a hospital in York Region. Dr. Cooperman sees children, teens, and adults for therapy. Her primary areas of interest include depression, anxiety, behaviour problems, and parenting. In her other life, Dr. Cooperman is trying to implement her own advice as she negotiates the challenging role of Mom. For more information, please contact dr.cooperman@sympatico.ca.
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**The information above is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for the advice provided by your physician or other healthcare professional.