How Old is Too Old?
ask an expert: separating genderscanada
(Aug.31.10)
How old is too old for male and female siblings to share a room and bathe together?
Melinda F. emailed us at expert@sweetspot.ca, and parenting expert (and psychotherapist) Alyson Schafer, answered:
When asked the question “how old is too old for siblings of the opposite sex to share a bath or a bedroom?” I’m reminded of my father’s witty line; “I don’t know… how long is a piece of string?”
Boys and girls formulate their gender identity early. They’ll happily share, “I am a boy. I have a penis. Do you have a penis? My sister doesn’t. She’s a girl.”
As a child matures, they do learn some propriety, but a child's need for personal space and privacy varies. Some children want privacy in the bathroom while they’re still in pull-ups, yet others need to be reminded of the “underwear is required at the dinner table” rule.
As parents, we MUST respect all personal body boundaries. It can be deeply shaming if we do not. It’s another application of “NO” means “NO”. If they don’t want to bathe or change with their brother, don’t force them.
That said, I would also keep a keen eye for the child who discovers being prudish might have some secondary gains proclaiming “I want my own room! I don’t want to sleep with my brother anymore, he’s a boy and boys are gross!” If a child is very conservative, so be it, but they still must be adaptive and co-operative. Many families don’t have the luxury of housing that affords each child their own bedroom. If they must share a room, they’ll quickly learn techniques for privacy: putting their pajamas on in the bathroom, asking their sibling to “turn their back and don’t look” or getting changed under the covers. They’ll figure it out.
As soon as one person is uncomfortable bathing with the other – they’re done. However, just because they don’t want to take a bath with their brother, “because I am NOT a baby anymore” doesn’t mean they won’t want to skinny dip together at the cottage.
And what if they never care? What if they still bathe and sleep together at an age that makes YOU uncomfortable? You have boundaries, too. You can say, “I am not comfortable with that anymore”, but just know that is an outcome of your upbringing, they are not acting oddly. Sibling sexual improprieties are next to unheard of. However, if your gut suspects something is out of kilter, I recommend you always listen to your instincts and speak to your pediatrician.
Remember, nudists were children once too. Some people just love to be naked, and that’s okay!
Alyson Schafer is a psychotherapist and one of Canada's leading parenting experts. She hosts The Parenting Show on RogersTV and is the best selling author of Breaking The Good Mom Myth and Honey, I Wrecked The Kids.
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