Besides general manners, what is the point of etiquette in 2008/2009? It seems that where the fork goes on the table just gets lost with the days dramas and becomes one more thing for me to worry about. How can we make it work now in our busy lives?
Nicole M. e-mailed us at expert@sweetspot.ca; and our etiquette expert, Jen Lawrence, answered:
Today, etiquette is often seen as a rigid set of rules governing the correct use of a fish fork, something about as relevant to our everyday lives as a cassette tape.
But ignoring where the fork goes can start us on a slippery slope. Pretty soon baseball caps starts appearing at the local steakhouse. Tube tops are considered appropriate attire for a wedding. We stop saying please and thank you. And pretty soon we are sitting back up in the trees, flinging our waste at one another. (We've all read Lord of the Flies, no?)
Common codes of social conduct were established to help society run smoothly and to help alleviate the anxiety that might accompany a new social situation. You have to introduce someone to your boss? Here's what you say. You are about to be presented to the Queen? Here's what you do. You are invited to a black tie dinner with Brad Pitt? Here's what you wear. (Left to our own devices, we'd likely wear nothing, no?)
In spite of its importance, etiquette should never be a source of guilt. We all mess up from time to time (we never did get birthday gift thank you cards sent last year), but that's no reason to abandon the practice altogether. Children love the rules and rituals of etiquette. It's a gift to teach them the correct way of doing things before bad habits set in.
Rather than seeing etiquette as a burden, view it as a gift. Use writing thank you notes as a way to reflect on all of the things and people for which you feel grateful. Use etiquette as an excuse to slow down and pay more attention to life's details. Think about how blissful it feels to have the correct utensils on the table: no more opportunities for the dog to steal the turkey off the table while you run back to the kitchen to fetch a much-needed spoon.
As long as etiquette is not used as a social weapon (remember Molly Ringwald's cringe-inducing, "Nice pearls. This isn't a dinner party, honey," moment in Pretty in Pink?), it really is a lovely idea. It slows us down. It makes us be good to each other. And it gives us a feeling of bringing some order to the chaos of the everyday world.
Jen Lawrence is the Founder of BlissNotes.com, an online newsletter focusing on bringing beauty and joy to everyday living. She keeps a stack of thank you notes stashed in her car.