I run a day home and there are two brothers, aged 3 & 4. They like to wrestle with each other, but we have an "all hands to yourself" rule (no hitting ,etc.). How do I enforce this with these two brothers?
When I try and talk to the oldest brother, he screams and won't calm down so that I can talk to him about his behaviour. How do I get him to stop screaming and calm down so that we can talk?
Charmaine emailed us at expert@sweetspot.ca, and our parenting expert, Elissa Kline Beber, answered;
When children are young it can be difficult for them to manage frustration -- they become overwhelmed by the emotion of the moment and the easiest, most available form of communication is a swift kick or push. We need to give children the tools to express themselves with their words. Like all other skills children acquire, this one requires a lot of practice. Model the use of feeling language and help kids name their emotions. When a child tells his peer how something is making him feel, it heightens his awareness of his own emotions and helps to foster empathy in the other child.
Part of helping children to manage their emotions is having adults in their lives who are prepared to tolerate the expression of these emotions. The four-year-old may just need to yell it out before he is ready to talk. It is never helpful to try to reason with a highly agitated child – you need to wait until the storm has passed before you can engage in a meaningful conversation. Sitting with the child, rubbing his back and letting him know that you can see how upset he is and that you are ready to talk whenever he is sends the message that you want to hear what he has to say.
This question highlights the importance of a strong home and school/day care connection. Children flourish with consistency. They need to know what is expected of them. If wrestling is tolerated at home, it may be difficult for them to switch gears once they get to day care. Try to make sure all the adults in a child’s life are on the same page.
Finally, ensure that they have ample opportunities for gross motor play. Many behaviour problems magically disappear when children are able to constructively release their boundless energy through active, energetic play.
Elissa Kline-Beber is a parenting expert, social work educator and mother of 4, who has worked extensively with children and families for over 15 years. In her parenting classes and private consultations at Becoming Maternity and Parenting Centre, Elissa uses her engaging and empathic style to help her clients to address their parenting challenges.