About Rebecca Eckler
Since becoming pregnant with her daughter Rowan, Canadian journalist and author Rebecca Eckler has penned three hilarious books, including the best-selling Knocked Up. Catch Rebecca’s weekly unique perspective on motherhood and single parenthood.
I read a piece in the American version of More magazine recently at a friend’s house. It was a long piece about friendship. The most fascinating thing about this article was that it said friendships change every seven years.
I feel badly about something, which I will tell you about. About four or five years ago, I lost a friend. By losing a friend, I mean she was toxic to me. I felt that she wasn’t on my side. I felt that she thought that I had a great life. I had a baby (she always wanted one, but it just never worked out.) I was publishing books. She was a writer too, and when I would tell her about a new book deal I got, she would quickly get off the phone, saying, in not so many words, “I can’t talk to you.” I felt she was never happy for me.
And then we just stopped talking. My life felt a lot more stress free. I realized our friendship was based on a lot of moaning and complaining. It wasn’t healthy for me.
So I was shocked when I opened my inbox and saw an email from her. It was short, congratulating me on something. It took me two days to respond, because I wasn’t sure I wanted to open that friendship door again. But, at the end of the day, I am a nice person, and not responding would have made me feel worse than responding. So I did, briefly catching her up on my life. And I asked her what she thought went wrong with our friendship.
She responded with a long email. She had an awful year. I actually cried a little learning about all she had went through. She had been through hell and back. As for my question, “What went wrong with our friendship?” she answered quite thoughtfully.
In fact, her answer was like a slap in the face. Not in a bad way. It turns out I was just as toxic to her as she was to me. She told me she always felt like she was disappointing me, and that she felt I was always mad at her.
I thought about this for days. I realized that she could possibly be right, and probably was. Maybe I was hard on her. Maybe I did make her feel like she was disappointing me.
I haven’t responded to the email. Sometimes, when something is done, it is done. But I do know that if I ever really needed her, she’d be there. And I hope she knows the same goes for me.