Friendly Fire
ask an expert: arguing in front of the kidscanada
(Nov.30.10)
I find I fight with my partner a lot around the holidays. How can I make sure it doesn't negatively affect my kids?
Karen T. emailed us at expert@sweetspot.ca and parenting expert, Alyson Schafer answered:
As much as we wish things were always unicorns and rainbows in our relationships, the truth is: conflict between parents is inevitable. We're often advised not to fight in front of our children, but it's also not healthy to totally protect our children from the inevitable conflicts of life.
Our job as parents is to prepare — not protect — our kids for the realities of life and people do have interpersonal conflicts. Our children should know that, and should also learn how to manage them successfully. That said, we have to care for their emotional well-being. You don't want your children to be exposed to:
- Violence or abuse
- Threats, agressions or any escalation that makes the child fearful.
- Fighting about the child. Children will feel they are causing their parents to fight and will feel guilty or feel like bad or problem-causing children.
- Fights that don't resolve but linger, brew and build resentment.
Instead, when you feel conflict coming on, think ahead to what your child might be learning from you. Think about how you're modelling what adults do when they are in conflict. Do they see:
- That even people who love each other can have differences?
- People speaking up for what they think is right and acting in self-respecting ways?
- People working their way through differences and resolving them?
- That after the conflict is resolved (or you've at least agreed to disagree) that people make up and show each other they still love and care for one another?
- You can let bygones be bygones and move forward?
With these experiences, your children are more likely to handle conflicts well. They will realize that conflict is part of being in an intimate relationship and will be better able to navigate through them in respectful ways.
Alyson Schafer is a psychotherapist and one of Canada's leading parenting experts. She hosts The Parenting Show on RogersTV and is the best selling author of Breaking The Good Mom Myth and Honey, I Wrecked The Kids.
Thought that was sweet? You'll enjoy: